Use Your Words

While I was trying to think about what my next blog topic should be my 4 year old informed me that her "friend" at preschool kicked her foot while they were walking to the playground causing her to trip and fall. Ding, ding, ding - I had my topic!

Let me give you a little background information about Sophia, in case you don't know her well. She is very intelligent and strong-willed and can boss people around like nobody's business (I have no idea where she gets that trait from) :) But she is also very sweet and really loves her friends. So sweet, in fact, that she will put up with quite a bit of meaness from them and continue running back to play with them.

About a week ago, some new friends joined her preschool class. She was thrilled - more friends in the class = more friends to have fun with. She told me that one of the boys, I'll call him 'C', threw sand at her and it got in her hair, mouth, and eyes. She also told me that she went down the slide and banged her arm and while she was crying, he was laughing at her. Okay - so the second part (the laughing at her part) I told her was no big deal but throwing sand? Not okay. I asked what she did and she informed me she told the teacher. The teacher asked C if that was a nice thing to do to his friends. Huh? That's a "duh" question if I ever heard one. Why even ask a kid that? Our society has really created some messed-up parenting/teaching styles. But you know what, I can kind of get why the teacher asked the question. Kind of. After Sophia finished telling us what had happened, John and I suggested she not play with C anymore.

At dinner the next day Sophia informed us that C was her best friend and he was so nice to her now! Great. They worked it out! Not. A few days later she apparently made a picture for him and he crumpled it up and threw it on the ground. Her feelings were hurt but again, I reminded her that it was no big deal - even though it wasn't a nice thing to do he isn't in control of her emotions and she shouldn't let him, or anyone else, make her feel bad.

Now on to yesterday's dinner conversation. On the way out to the playground, C kicked her foot or leg and she tripped and fell. Again, she said that she told the teacher.

At this point, my frustration was about to cause an explosion. I have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to teach my kid not to be a tattle-tale and to solve problems on her own. The problem is that my child-rearing philosophy doesn't seem to be in line with the school's philosophy. See, they subscribe to the "We use our words" approach. I'm sure you've all heard it - although probably not from your own teachers/parents when you were younger. It seems to be a newer catch-phrase. And I'll be honest with you - I'm sort of sick of it.

Now, I am definitely not trying to raise a brute or a bully. I would NEVER allow or encourage Sophia to pick on any other child. I do not teach her to react by hitting or kicking or any other aggressive behavior. What I DO want to teach her is that NO ONE should be laying a hand on her. That she is not someone's punching bag and she has the right to go through life without being hit/kicked/pinched/poked by other people.

Back to "use your words for a minute" - so, she uses her words and tells the kid to knock it off. Then, she uses her words and tells the teacher. Then what? If it doesn't stop is she supposed to keep "using her words"? Hell no. I told her to avoid the kid first and foremost. Not just ignore him, but to tell him that he isn't nice and she doesn't want to play with him (which will likely get her into trouble because while they encourage kids to "use their words" they don't want them to say anything that might hurt the kid's feelings, no matter how true it is). We also told her that if someone is continuously hitting her that she has permission to hit back. I dare any teacher or administrator to challenge me on that one. If you don't want my child protecting herself then you damn well better do it for her. Unfortunately, our society has made teachers and administrators "lame-ducks" with no real power to do anything. God forbid a teacher tells some obnoxious kid to stop being a bully and hurts his feelings. What, as a society, have we created?

We have created an environment where parents allow their children to act like righteous little brats because they don't want to hurt the child's feelings or stifle his creativity or step on his autonomy. Please. Give me just a small break. Seriously, how many times have you gone to a restaurant and some kid is either screaming and wailing or running around like a madman or worse, hanging around your table while you are trying to enjoy your meal and have pleasant conversation with your dinner date? Hey - if you're a parent, you've been there. I know I have. Sophia's a good kid but she's not a perfect angel. She's been loud in restaurants. She has continuously turned around in the booth, staring at the people behind us. But guess what - we tell her to turn around, sit down, and use a soft voice. If she doesn't, I take her outside. It is just so unfair for my child to ruin someone else's dinner simply because she can. I'm not saying we are perfect parents - soooo far from it. I'm just saying that we do our best to control our children in public. I'm thinking about carrying around little business cards that say "We don't find your child to be nearly as amusing/adorable as you do. Please remember that and teach them to respect others" so I can hand them out to people who just sit by with a big smile while their child wreaks havoc on everyone around him.

I have to say that for all its good intentions, the "use your words" philosophy is lame. I get that we're trying to teach kids to solve problems diplomatically. I get that. I really do. And I even support that, believe it or not. I wish Sophia could use her words with C and he would leave her alone. I wish a lot of things but we have to live in reality. So what we need is a follow-up to "use your words" when using words doesn't seem to work. No one should have to tolerate being picked on - name calling, bullying, physical abuse - at all. If someone at your job or in your life was constantly hitting you or pushing you around you might try once to ask them to stop, but what happens when they don't? I won't be anyone's personal punching bag (literally or figuratively) and I won't let my daughters be one either. So how about "use your words and when that doesn't work use your fists and make it hurt so the bully will leave you alone for good"?

On Becoming My Mother

So the other day I had one of those moments - I know most of my fellow moms can probably relate - wait, let me set the stage.... Sophia was being particularly "free-spirited" (and you do know that "free-spirited" is mommy-code for "a pain in the a$$", right?) and was pretty much driving me straight into a bottle of booze and I don't even drink that much! Finally, I had just had enough of her smart mouth and I said...wait for it...."Sophia Hope Ward, I am not one of your little friends - you may not speak to me that way!" Aack - not only did I use her WHOLE name but I said the "not one of your little friends" thing that my mom used to say to me. For some reason when I was a kid, it made me so mad when my mom would say that...I'm not really sure why.

Don't get me wrong - I had an amazing childhood and my parents were (and still are) awesome. But you know, when you're a kid, you don't always (well, really never) realize how good you've got it, right? So when I was little, I made a list of the things I would never say or do to my children... I would NEVER say "I'm not one of your little friends" or "Well, that may be okay for everyone else but not for you" or "I'm glad her mom lets her do that but I'm your mom and I say NO!". I would NEVER make my child eat what I cooked for dinner if she didn't want it - I'd be understanding and offer to make something else. If my child wanted to quit half-way through tryouts or in the middle of the season, I'd let her because that's what she wants. If she was satisfied with sub-par work on a project (that she put off until the very last second), I'd be okay with it too. Life would be easy for all of us.

Fast forward to the other day when I was having my mommy-meltdown with Sophia. She was being fairly disrespectful when I informed her that I wasn't her little friend and she wasn't going to speak to me as if I were her equal. Immediately after I said it, I thought, "Doh! I'm becoming my mother!" Then, a little while later I was doing some cleaning and glanced at myself in the mirror and realized that I'm even starting to look like her! And you know what, it's a GOOD thing! My mom is the most creative, funny, thoughtful mom I know. She can make the neatest crafts and can throw them together in minutes. I never laugh harder than when I'm with my mom and she always knows what to say when I ask for child-rearing advice. She works magic with my kids, especially when Abby is crying uncontrollably and just won't go to sleep. She helped me make it through what was quite possibly the worst two days of mommyhood so far - taking the binky away from Sophia. And thinking back to my list of things I'd never do as a mom, well - now that I've actually become a mom, all I can do is laugh at that list. I do make Sophia eat what I cook for dinner - I'm not a short order cook and this isn't Burger King (you don't always get it "your way") Some of the best lessons I learned during my childhood were the importance of sticking to something, finishing what I started, and being part of a team. I learned the importance of only turning in work I'm proud to put my name on. My mom taught me these things by not being one of "my little friends" and by being my mother. That doesn't mean she wasn't "friendly" with me. We hung out together and had a lot of fun together, I just understood that we were not equals - she was the mom and I was the child (again, something I have said to Sophia many, many times). She's beautiful and she's the best mom I know. I'm glad that I'm becoming my mother. I only hope I do her proud!

Luck

Caution: I am stepping up on my soap-box....

For those of you who have heard this from me already, I apologize in advance. The other day I was talking with a woman who made a comment to me that I've heard multiple times since I've become a mom. What she said probably seems harmless enough - maybe you've heard it yourself. She said, "You are so lucky to be able to stay home with your kids." Maybe you've heard a variation of it - perhaps, "Well, I only wish I could stay home with my kids. You're just so lucky!" or something of the like.

Let me interrupt myself right now and say this - I DO NOT mean any disrespect to all of the moms who work outside the home. I do not think I'm a better mom than you or that I love my kids more than you love yours because I am a stay-at-home mom. I am speaking only about my own personal situation.

Okay, so back to it...why, you might ask, does this comment drive me crazy? Well, for starters, I do not consider myself all that "lucky" - if I did, I'd be buying lottery tickets every week.

It was not "luck" that John and I chose to work extremely hard to get through college and earn degrees. It was not "luck" that we waited until we finished college to get married. It was not "luck" that helped John get through an incredibly rigorous Master's program at one of the best policy schools in the country, the University of Chicago. It also wasn't "luck" that we decided to put off having children until we were able to support them ourselves. It certainly isn't "luck" that we make MANY sacrifices so that I can stay home with our kids every day. We shared one car for a while. Now, I drive an older car, not the nice new one I would love to have. I haven't gotten my nails done or highlights done in I don't know how long....I barely get my hair cut at all these days! I rarely buy new things for myself and I'm a bit obssessed with craigslist. We don't have tons of fancy new toys (video games, computers, etc.) and when we do treat ourselves to something like that (we recently bought a 42" LED television), it's only after a lot of research to find the best deal and after we've saved the money to buy it without putting it on a credit card.

Now, I'm definitely not complaining. I LOVE my life and love being able to spend all day with my kids, raising them and teaching them. I love that I was there for Sophia's first words, first steps, and when she needs a band-aid and a kiss, I'm the one that gives it to her. I adore seeing Abby's precious smile and I know that I am doing the best for my kids. But I have to admit, sometimes I feel a little jealous of my working friends - after all, not only do they often have a little extra money to get a pedicure, etc., but they get to have conversations with actual adults (not just a 4 year old who thinks she's an adult) on a regular basis. In the endthough, I know we have made the right choices for our family.

And that's my point. It's all about choices. Not luck. Please don't insult me by telling me I'm "lucky" I get to stay home with my kids. Just like I won't tell you you're "lucky" you get to work in the field you studied/trained/worked so hard to get into.

Stepping off soapbox.